raw white onion and a cigarette
“CREATIVE” “ENDEAVORS”
In the spirit of Perpetual Stew, I have invented* the Eternal Chicken Pot Pie. First, you make a chicken pot pie. Then, you puree the leftovers into a chicken pot pie protein shake. Then, you take the leftovers of the shake and melt them into the base for the sauce for the next chicken pot pie.
*In my mind, only
I also wrote part of a short story* about a man who pees with tremendous pressure. It causes no discomfort to his person, but he has cracked several urinals as the pee shoots out at thousands of pounds per square inch. Camping, he leaves divots in the forest floor; insects perish under the stream. He has to get a steel toilet for his house, like in prison cells, and even that has pits and dents where Ol’ Pressure Pee has been.
*My teenage notebooks and adult googledocs are filled with nonsense like this, which tells you why I always wrote poetry and never fiction; who is this man? What happens to him? Clearly I don’t care, and just want the image of urinals disintegrating under pressure-washer force.
“REVIEWS” OF CHICAGO ATTRACTIONS THAT ARE ENTIRELY BESIDE THE POINT OF THE ATTRACTION
Art Institute: worst bathrooms of any of the Chicago museums (inconvenient, usually dirty). Membership “bring another adult for free” is a good deal. Good website feature where you can design your own self-guided “tour” with a keyword like “orange” or the name of an artist. (I personally typed in “buttocks” the last time I went and had a quick little tour of art butts.)
Lincoln Park Zoo: Most worthwhile museum membership (at the free-parking level) to have if you have a small child or just like this zoo. The carousel is bad-ass too and in my opinion it is important to pick an animal that is in reality unrideable. (So no horses, elephants, etc.)
Field Museum: The “special” exhibits are usually not worth it, go here for the taxidermy halls that most people hurry through. There are lots of gorgeous wooden drawers you can open if you need to see extra dead birds.
Shedd Aquarium: Got a “behind the scenes” tour once, and other than the food-prep areas it was somewhat boring. There are a lot of pumps and hoses back there. Mimi Smartypants lore: I know the CEO, slightly.
Adler Planetarium: Mimi Smartypants lore: LT was a security guard here briefly, back when we were just two kids living in sin.
WHAT ELSE HAVE I BEEN DOING
Volunteering at the food bank, safely behind the scenes unpacking and sorting produce (my preferred methods of helping people involve not being in direct contact with the people being helped). I discovered an enormous spider inside a banana box. Just like the song!
Riding my bike to see movies at Music Box. Boys Go To Jupiter, Lurker (recommend!), and 1945’s Detour.
Witnessing the evolution of Boy! Cat! Friendship! (Murphy and Bug). The wrestling and playfights took some getting used to—I have never had interactive cats before (Rocko and Lola merely tolerated each other, and neither of them liked Murphy). There is also somewhat aggressive grooming (most often the little grooming the big). Lately there has been sitting together, sharing a sun patch, and Bug using Murphy’s butt as a pillow. FRIENDSHIP!
Undergoing a (routine) colonoscopy, which went fine and also I am not new to that particular colon rodeo due to my years-ago intestinal surgery. Well, the procedure went fine, but I am probably not allowed back there due to anesthesia clumsiness. When they woke me up they were immediately like “DO YOU WANT SOME JUICE?” I croaked out, “yeah” because drugs make you agreeable but I was in no way ready to actually hold an open container of juice* so I spilled it all over the gurney. It was mortifying but on the other hand there’s no way that is the worst mess a hospital employee has ever seen.
*It was this style of juice—why not a juice box for the debilitated recovering patients? DON’T TRUST US!
—mimi smartypants, in full control of her limbs.